10 April, 2007

Lost Idyll

first draft; very rough. loosely inspired by this discussion.

Lost Idyll

The tattered shreds of elephant
toes speak truths we seek
to keep unknown.

While Tennyson, in sorrow,
saw how nature lurked red,
in tooth and claw
he failed to notice
how ours hands remain
the bloodiest of all.

No savagery is noble;
our own least of all.
Yet God, mankind's cruelest
creation, convinces us
we're not beasts
but for the fall.

EDIT: lacking flow and poor transitions, particularly from the first to second stanzas. hmmm.


august said...

"truths we seek to keep unknown" might be the bit you revise.

The peom as a whole works well -- it's a good idea and a good way of expressing the idea. I'm glad that the discussion was inspiring (however obliquely).

Keifus said...

I still haven't gotten myself to look at teh pictures.

I'm thinking how hidden and callous our bloodletting is, at least Americans'. Behind closed doors on a sterile kill floor, exported battle-lust on other continents, collateral damage of carbon emissions released without a thought.

Nice poem, I like the sentiment. I thought the first two stanzas flowed well, ("unknown" has a similar sound as "sorrow") but find myself wanting a little more from the third, actually, another line or two about beasts and gods maybe.


twiffer said...

thanks for the comments guys. it does need to be expanded; feels too abrubt. my thoughts haven't quite gelled yet.

LentenStuffe said...

Don't quite know how you managed to leave this behind during your recent visit, especially considering that you were never invited ... unless ... but I'd much rather that you just stayed away, and I promise to reciprocate.

Pennsylvania, Bala Cynwyd, United States
static-64-83-71-98.t1.cavtel.net ( [Label IP Address]

twiffer said...

uh, lent? i haven't commented on your site since you deleted my comment asking how i offended you. i may have peeked at it a week or so after that, but it's been about a month since i last sauntered by.

i don't care if you visit here, frankly. or if you comment. and i'm still unclear on what i did to piss you off.

suffice to say, that's not my IP address. i don't live in pennsylvania. i live just outside of DC. if my site show up as a refering site, it simply means this was the last page that person was on before visiting. you'll note that i removed the link for your page.

so, to reiterate: i've respected your wishes and accepted i'll not get an answer as to why they are such. you are welcome to read and comment (particularly on my attempts at poetry), so long as you realize there will be a good deal of posts about the red sox for the duration of the baseball season. frankly, that seems to have run most people off.

for what it's worth, i'm a fairly honest man.

twiffer said...

hi anon: i'd appreciate it if you didn't use my blog to take swings at other people. the only person who should be insulted on my blog is myself (yes, i'm probably asking for it now).


Anonymous said...

Ok. Delete it if you want.


twiffer said...

not a problem. just trying to be civil.


LentenStuffe said...

I appreciate that.

As for your poetry, you demonstrate when you make the choices you make that you usually make the correct ones, which means you know when to end a line, what cadence and inflection best suits, what tone and idiom is most fitting, and how to suspend just enough meaning into sense to keep your readers guessing, and reading. In short, you've got the goods, the instinct. None of your vistors can tell you what you already seem to know because, to be absolutely circular about it, you make the right choices.

Good luck to you.

twiffer said...

thanks lent.